I haven't uploaded anything on here in a while. It's so tempting to say I was busy finishing up my last workload of high school or that I've been finding other ways to feel fulfilled, but neither of those statements is true. I've been lazy, and I started to beat myself up for it until I remembered what I wrote for my school newspaper's final issue of the year (which happens to include the last article I'll write as editor-in-chief).
Anyway, here's what I have to say for not only myself, but also for everyone else who just can't seem to get their shit together right now. It's okay. I'm right there with you.
When I was told I would have two weeks off of school with no assignments at all, my mind was blown. Nearing the peak of my senior year with loads of AP tests and final exams, I knew that I could use this unexpected break to my advantage. I was going to get things done. I was going to clean my room, learn a new skill, give my guitar some well-needed attention, study for my classes, and develop a new workout routine. Hell, I even told myself I’d stick to it this time for more than just a few days, because what else on Earth was I going to do?
Here’s what else on Earth I was going to do. I ended up spending most of that first week in isolation sitting on my bed after taking my second shower of the day literally doing nothing but zoning out and staring at my wall. Turns out a worldwide pandemic is not the best time to start completely remodeling your life. I quickly gave up on the daily workouts, the studying, and the cleaning. However, my impulsive online purchases made it so I had to at least stick to my endeavor to get back into roller skating. I can handle the second-hand treadmill in my garage getting a little dusty, but I’ll be damned if I allow a brand new pair of bright orange skates to sit in my closet untouched for more than a few days at a time.
My week-long adventure to discovering that it was not my busy schedule that was stopping me from working out on a daily basis, rather it was my lack of motivation led me down a rabbit hole of guilt and frustration. If people can do this when the world isn’t in shambles, why is it so hard for me to get motivated when my schedule is completely free?
That’s the very problem. With no set schedule, I lose track of what I’m doing and for how long I’ve been doing it. A few days ago I went out on a drive to read a few chapters of a book and ended up sitting in my car for about four hours. With us high school students being so used to having our schedules laid out for us with very little wiggle room, we get into the groove of waking up early, having meals at the same time every day, and falling asleep at a specific time each night. Because of our lack of responsibility nowadays, it’s easier than ever to lose track of time.
When I use the phrase, “lack of responsibility,” I don’t mean to say this has been a free for all. By all means, I’ve had to do more schoolwork these past few months than I think I had been doing this entire year. Or maybe it just feels that way since we’re at home in a space that doesn’t feel like it lends itself to academics. The lack of responsibility stems from not feeling like I’m being held accountable. Without seeing teachers face to face, it’s easy to feel like getting my assignments in on time doesn’t matter, when logically, I know that it does.
Yet, I see my classmates and complete strangers online posting about how productive their time alone has been, and rather than feeling motivated to do the same with my free time, my envy sends me even further into doing absolutely nothing.
It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay that my life during COVID-19 shouldn’t be compared to anyone else’s life, especially those with different resources than I have. It’s so easy to slip into feeling like a failure when the culture around social media consists of posting mainly the highlights and the occasional joke about the rough patches. Some rough patches are hard to joke about, and for a lot of us, this is one of those instances.
While many people view quarantine as a time to brush up on skills and get things done, it’s okay to not be your most productive self during this weird and uncharted time. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is play a video game, eat some food you’ve been craving, or just sleep. There’s no right or wrong way to be living right now, so long as you’re finding a way to get through.
I hope those who I've interviewed, those who I've asked to interview, and those who enjoy this website understand why things are taking some time on my end. Stay safe, and for the love of god, wear a mask!